Medical jokes

            1. A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

 

2. A doctor walks into a staff meeting with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. A nurse asks him why he has a thermometer behind his ear.

The doctor grabs the thermometer, looks at it, and exclaims, “Damn, some a**hole has my pen!”

 

3. Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”

Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”

Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”

 

4. The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “OK,” said the man.

“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

5.  What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

 

6. A skeleton went to the doctor.

The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?

      7. A woman went to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. A new doctor examined her, and after a few minutes, she began to scream and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she explained, the older doctor went to the new doctor and said, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled and said, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

 

8. The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” “They’re going to name the disease after you.”

 

9. As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”

“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked. “No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”

 

10. A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.

“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?” “After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”